It's always better. Which always makes it worse.
Each time we are together, He feels even more like home. And that's why it's so much harder when we part. He, however, is able to walk away with a smile. While I am often left in tears.
I've told Him it makes me I feel as if I'm not enough and He has, I suppose understandably, attributed that to insecurity. But that's not what it is.*
I KNOW I am enough. I am plenty. For me. And, I must believe, someone else. Someone whom I could and would love. It's not just that I want to be another's one and only. I deserve it. And I don't think there is anything unsure or insecure in that.
So. What I need to be able to accept is that He can't be that person right now. Instead, I must be my one and only. I must remain true to me. And for the time being, I will love Him when I can, the best way I can, while trying to allow Him the same.
We'll see where that takes me. Where it takes Him. Where it takes us.
*It's not that I believe I'm not enough. It's that I feel I'm not enough for Him. But we've discussed it and I think I finally get that it really isn't about me. And on some level I already knew that. I've even said it. Months and months ago. It isn't a choice between her and me. The choices He must make are about himself and from those all else will folllow. My head knows this, even if my heart continues to forget it.
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On Saturday we took some pictures together. You've already seen one of
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2 hours ago
I think your acceptance of the situation helps, but it still has to be very difficult for you. Personally, I don't like to see anyone feel this way, especially when there might not seem to be much light at the end of the tunnel with regard to his situation changing.
ReplyDeleteI wish you nothing but the best.
Diane
Well DDD - some of your posts make me giggle, others make me LMAO and some lead to a little tear. You are in a difficult situation. I am sure that in different circumstances you would be more than enough for him (certainly me :)) and I bet he knows that. But it is complicated! Hang in there and look after number one (and that is you!!!)- and, keep smiling :)
ReplyDeleteDiane: Thank you. I'm not sure that it's easy for either one of us.
ReplyDeleteClive: You're right. It is complicated. I'm putting that whole "enough" business behind me. And us. I truly am going to concentrate on me and being more me. I'd like to do that with Him. But we'll have to see what happens...
I've been an avid reader for the past year and can't tell you how much I enjoy your writing. I don't think it's the writing as much as your honesty, very attractive intellect, sense of humor/irony (also quite alluring) and, grounding all of that, a strong sense of self. That genuine strength, as is often the case, can waver and experience self-doubt for many reasons...such as life. I don't envy your situation, but admire and support this place you've found...namely, the need to think about you. I know I am in no real position to weigh in, but I have been "lurkingly" rooting for you to find this for a while now...suppose since you moved.
ReplyDeleteThis is not about "him"...meaning I'm not criticizing him or situation...rather, I sense so much of what you have to offer and share with someone who has the time and attention that would allow you to thrive...not dependently, of course, but to realize and enjoy yourself in all the glory that you have available.
Hoping you all the best...wavering goes with the territory, but just try to waver forward...such promise awaits you...I am certain of that.
Cameron
Cameron: I am sometimes a bit overwhelmed by the kindness, support and understanding my readers show me. Your messages, especially. It means a lot to me that you "feel" my strong sense of self. Doubt can be a mean whirling dervish.
ReplyDeleteI like what you said about offering and sharing myself with someone. I, too, feel that by being able to give, I will thrive. I don't think that is weak. For me, opening myself up and loving is the scariest thing there is. And I am ready to move forward in to the fear.
Thank you for taking time to share your thoughts. I've read them again and again.
DDD, I am pleased that my words have held some meaning and maybe some affirmation for your efforts. Perhaps the most powerful lesson I have learned in this second half of my life is the necessity to find comfort in the discomforts of life...the things that scare us, that slow us down, that keep us at bay from who we really are. The consumer culture clearly does that for women (and men) by the relentless pressure to conform to an ideal that is unattainable. Hence, being comfortable in our own skin. It (fear...discomfort) often holds us back from those goals that are only attainable by pushing through fear's barriers. And, in doing so, we sometimes fail because life is rife with failure. But the willingness to lean into the "wind" of fear helps to assure that, even in failure, we can fail forward. While I know little about it, some have told me that this perspective grounds Buddhism...the acceptance of life's pain for the reward of living fully in it.
ReplyDelete